Leaving rehab on Thursday.
Cannot wait to be back in the world!!
Terrified of going completely off the rails and cutting myself to within an inch of my life (cut my right wrist last Tuesday - not terrible just steri-strip job but I am amassing quite a collection...).
I'm still drinking. I'm still having nightmares. I'm still bingeing-vomiting, BUT I'm suffused with hope for the future!! I think, and am confident, that at the very least I'll be leaving with all these life lessons under my belt. Have got to a point where I can 'sit with my feelinjgs'. Be they fullness, overwhelming rage, physical panic/fear, incomprehensible depression (i hate that word) - I can do it! It's uncomfortable and very bloody irritating... but it's ok! I DO come out the other side! I feel these things because I'm an emotive, short tempered, interested, loving, sad (pathetic and 'happy - sad'), wee chicken. And it's all going to be ok...
Scary. Mad, bad and sad. But so much more inner contentment and peace! Yes of course I still have worries, concerns and dreams about the past, I still would rather throw up my dinner (no matted how healthy) and spend my evenings playing tiddlywinks with razor blades. But... I cannot do that anoy more!
I've used up my quota of alcohol, food above the nec daily amount, swear words, indulgence in madness. I'm ready to just fucking get on with it!
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Monday, 14 June 2010
urgh
what the fuck am i doing with myself.
i'm in rehab at great expense, drinking, bingeing and twatting my head/knuckles against walls when i feel shit.
i want to get out of here so i can re-examine my life at a healthier distance. buti'm bloody terrified of leaving as i don't know what i'll do to myself. I feel like all my adult knowledge and defences have been stripped away and i'm left eith my immature emotions in an adult body and world. in short, i feel like i'm fucked whatever way i turn.
i'm in rehab at great expense, drinking, bingeing and twatting my head/knuckles against walls when i feel shit.
i want to get out of here so i can re-examine my life at a healthier distance. buti'm bloody terrified of leaving as i don't know what i'll do to myself. I feel like all my adult knowledge and defences have been stripped away and i'm left eith my immature emotions in an adult body and world. in short, i feel like i'm fucked whatever way i turn.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
Must dash, off Clay Pigeon Shooting in a mo...
Why wouldn't you shoot clay discs in your journey to sobreity and sanity?!
To be fair I'm willing to give anything a bash so can't be too critical.
Rubbish night sleep. Got confused between a memory and reality so ended up sliding into a horrific nightmare where I was being raped by two of the counsellors here (two I get on very well with), plus my boyfriend. The scenario was something that did take place when I was a kid, but replayed with different characters.
I was in a right old eggy state when i woke up. Couldn't get the images and feelings out of my head so sat and whacked my forehead against a wall for a spell. Still thinking of it, and getting lumpier and bumpier by the bash, then rocked out of my room to find the night staff. Had hysterics with him for a while until he gave me a sleeping pill and a brew and tucked me back in. He was a really nice chap.
Felt pants this morning, I don't want to live in a world where things like this happen! And there is undeniable and irrefutable proof that they can happen again!
But have chatted to a few people here and managed to get it all back in context and look at the positives.
Like clay pigeon shooting.
Still not looking forward to leaving but definitely on the up!
Whole family visiting tomorrow, really hope I can cover the bruise on my forehead! My parents are expecing me to be all fixed and don't want to dissapoint.
Big love x
To be fair I'm willing to give anything a bash so can't be too critical.
Rubbish night sleep. Got confused between a memory and reality so ended up sliding into a horrific nightmare where I was being raped by two of the counsellors here (two I get on very well with), plus my boyfriend. The scenario was something that did take place when I was a kid, but replayed with different characters.
I was in a right old eggy state when i woke up. Couldn't get the images and feelings out of my head so sat and whacked my forehead against a wall for a spell. Still thinking of it, and getting lumpier and bumpier by the bash, then rocked out of my room to find the night staff. Had hysterics with him for a while until he gave me a sleeping pill and a brew and tucked me back in. He was a really nice chap.
Felt pants this morning, I don't want to live in a world where things like this happen! And there is undeniable and irrefutable proof that they can happen again!
But have chatted to a few people here and managed to get it all back in context and look at the positives.
Like clay pigeon shooting.
Still not looking forward to leaving but definitely on the up!
Whole family visiting tomorrow, really hope I can cover the bruise on my forehead! My parents are expecing me to be all fixed and don't want to dissapoint.
Big love x
Friday, 11 June 2010
Leaving on Tuesday
And I'm dreading it!
I love these crazy fuckers. It's just so bloody relaxing and comfortable getting up every day announcing that I can't cope with life, am an alcoholic bulimic anorexic, then running round indulging myself in every emotion and whim that crosses my mind...
Have been drinking like a fish and bingeing occasionally. Does anyone else do that in rehab?!
I feel like a worthless fucking cunt. Wasting my parents money, lying to everybody (except you beautiful people) and generally being a knobjockey... But I am talking about childhood stuff so am 'working through that' if nothing else.
Plus met some amazing people who I love and respect and have learnt A LOT from. This is definitely a turning point. I just don't think I'm ready yet to give up the eating and drinking control.
Sad mad times.
Boy came up today. We were supposed to be going to the wedding of a school friend of mine. Instead he's having lunch with me and the other loony tines, a counselling session with my therapists, a joint session with me and the therapists, then taking me shopping where we must monitor me the entire time. Finished up with dinner together when he must sensitively yet vigilently keep an eagle eye on my calorie/alcohol intake/expultion.
Great times.
I love these crazy fuckers. It's just so bloody relaxing and comfortable getting up every day announcing that I can't cope with life, am an alcoholic bulimic anorexic, then running round indulging myself in every emotion and whim that crosses my mind...
Have been drinking like a fish and bingeing occasionally. Does anyone else do that in rehab?!
I feel like a worthless fucking cunt. Wasting my parents money, lying to everybody (except you beautiful people) and generally being a knobjockey... But I am talking about childhood stuff so am 'working through that' if nothing else.
Plus met some amazing people who I love and respect and have learnt A LOT from. This is definitely a turning point. I just don't think I'm ready yet to give up the eating and drinking control.
Sad mad times.
Boy came up today. We were supposed to be going to the wedding of a school friend of mine. Instead he's having lunch with me and the other loony tines, a counselling session with my therapists, a joint session with me and the therapists, then taking me shopping where we must monitor me the entire time. Finished up with dinner together when he must sensitively yet vigilently keep an eagle eye on my calorie/alcohol intake/expultion.
Great times.
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