Leaving rehab on Thursday.
Cannot wait to be back in the world!!
Terrified of going completely off the rails and cutting myself to within an inch of my life (cut my right wrist last Tuesday - not terrible just steri-strip job but I am amassing quite a collection...).
I'm still drinking. I'm still having nightmares. I'm still bingeing-vomiting, BUT I'm suffused with hope for the future!! I think, and am confident, that at the very least I'll be leaving with all these life lessons under my belt. Have got to a point where I can 'sit with my feelinjgs'. Be they fullness, overwhelming rage, physical panic/fear, incomprehensible depression (i hate that word) - I can do it! It's uncomfortable and very bloody irritating... but it's ok! I DO come out the other side! I feel these things because I'm an emotive, short tempered, interested, loving, sad (pathetic and 'happy - sad'), wee chicken. And it's all going to be ok...
Scary. Mad, bad and sad. But so much more inner contentment and peace! Yes of course I still have worries, concerns and dreams about the past, I still would rather throw up my dinner (no matted how healthy) and spend my evenings playing tiddlywinks with razor blades. But... I cannot do that anoy more!
I've used up my quota of alcohol, food above the nec daily amount, swear words, indulgence in madness. I'm ready to just fucking get on with it!
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